My thoughts this Mothers day keep returning to an event I witnessed many years ago, in 1974 to be exact.
I was in hospital after giving birth to our second son and in those days we stayed in hospital for some time, at least 10 days, sometimes longer. I was kept in hospital this time for nearly two weeks as he was a little jaundiced and they wanted to keep an eye on him. Nothing serious.
Consequently we often got to know our fellow 'inmates' quite well, especially as we were in wards of eight beds! In fact, apart from missing our other children it could be a lot of fun.
The lady next to me had had her tenth child, a dear little girl. Her next child was about nine years old so there was quite a gap. She looked to be in her early 40's.
An adult niece and her husband often came to visit, they would hold the baby and fuss over her, bring clothes etc. They were all so excited about the baby and there were lots of large family gatherings around the bed.
Then came visits from the 'authorities', an official looking lady with a clipboard under her arm.
As the mum and I got to know each other better slowly the story unfolded. She had had this baby for her niece who was unable to have children. Instead of the usual whangai arrangement they wanted to make it a legal adoption. This was before surrogacy began to make world headlines, but here in New Zealand it is common especially amongst the Maori people.
Tamaiti whangai is the New Zealand Maori term for a foster or adopted child. "Tamaiti" (plural "tamariki") means "child" and "whangai" means to feed or nourish, in the narrow and broadest senses, so a tamaiti whangai is a child who is nurtured or raised by someone other than his or her birth parents. The practice of whangai is very ancient: the first tamaiti whangai is said to have been the hero Maui.
The Maori have no term for the nuclear family as known in European societies: two parents and their children. The most restricted term in Maori for "family" is "whanau," which applies to the extended family.
It has always been common for Maori children to spend time as tamariki whangai in other households within the extended family: when their birth parents are temporarily unwell or overcome by circumstances, if they and their parents are temporarily on bad terms, etc. In other circumstances a child will become the more or less permanent tamaiti whangai of another adult or adults. Birth parents may give a child to a relative who is childless or has lost a child. Children may be redistributed if a birth family becomes too large and other households have more room.
In my first year of teaching in a predominantly Maori community roughly half of my class lived with Grandparents, Aunts, cousins etc. It is a wonderful form of open adoption as the children always know their origins and are happy and secure and loved very much by the whole whanau.
For a European it is sometimes hard to comprehend. For this mother to have had her tenth child for a niece, to me, was such an amazing act of love.
Could I have given away my son? I don't think so.
